I look in the mirror through the eyes of the child that was me.
--Judy Collins
What does this have to do with parenting? Let me begin by trying to define what being a parent is. I've always had a fascination with dictionaries, and thought perhaps the beginnings of an answer would be there. According to the dictionary, it is simply to generate another being, and perform the duties of father or mother. I then looked up the definition of mother and father, and discovered that first on the list of both was simply that father was a male parent, and mother a female parent. So far, I don't think anyone is going to disagree. It is, however, only leading us in a large circle so far!
In the popular literature I found no further definition of a parent. What I did find was instructions for "disciplining" or teaching the child once you are a parent. That's, indeed, a whole other chapter (and the topic of many books).
So perhaps we can stop here and agree to define a parent as one who is the source of a child generated with another, and who exercises the functions of a father or mother.
We must now ask, just what are those functions? Again, let's make a stop at the dictionary. Function is defined as "the kind of action or activity proper to a person, thing, or institution; the purpose for which something is designed or exists; role" and "to perform a specified action or activity". So perhaps, we have a start. The functions of a mother and father are performing specified actions and activities necessary in caring for another human being until it reaches maturity.
Abraham Maslow, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, studied what people need in their lives and developed the concept of a hierarchy of needs, as illustrated below:
Self-Actualization
Self-Esteem
Love and Belongingness
Safety and Security Needs
Basic Physiological Needs
The most basic needs are for water, food, shelter, warmth, sleep, activity, movement, and sex. Second is the need to be safe from harm. Third is the need to feel loved and cared for by family, friends, or some other group. Fourth is the need for esteem, approval, dignity, and self-respect. At the highest level is the need for self-actualization: knowing who you are, being everything you can be, and being creative. (Murdock,1987: 115 )
Not unlike a stepladder, this hierarchy demands a progression from bottom to top. Each person's needs must be met as though they were climbing the ladder; always one step at a time. One level must be met before we can go onto the next. "Furthermore, all these basic needs may be considered to be simply steps along the path to general self-actualization, under which all basic needs can be subsumed." (Maslow, 1973: 153)
Will you agree with me that our role, or function is to perform those actions and activities which will help us reach our goal, and to help the child reach his or her goal of self-actualization? These actions and activities can be broken down into three areas, which I have called ChildCaring and which will be explored further in the next chapter. At the same time we are helping our children learn to perform these functions, we need to be performing them for ourselves.
As a parent, our own deficit or strength in one of these areas will reflect in our child's deficits or strengths. I still am and have been very hesitant to verbally make my needs known in situations which overwhelm me, or where I feel insecure that my needs are important. I didn't realize this until during a conference with my daughter's teacher, she recommended we work on her abilities to make her needs and feelings known in certain situations. I thought that an amazing coincidence, until I examined my own abilities, and realized that as soon as I learned to do it, and provided the role model, it would be easier for my daughter. This, then, is an action I can perform which will help me, and my child reach our life goal.
Let's return to the metaphor of going on a trip. When one does go on a trip, we generally use various sources, a travel agent, a friend, relative, or a business associate for information we need to take our trip. However, even with all the advice and suggestions, that trip is our own doing. Perhaps everyone said that flying is the best way to arrive at a particular city, but you are afraid of flying, and so you purchase a train ticket.
When we begin our parenting journey, we also take along the advice and suggestions (sometimes a bit like excess baggage) of others. All of us manipulate or change the information, along the way, to suit our own styles. I don't think anyone will admit or suggest that we are adequately trained for this job. While we are not particularly trained, we do pick up pieces of information and attitudes, and are influenced by others.
Who influences us most on this journey? My returned questionnnaires listed many sources for this influence: a sister, a friend, experts in the field such as Dr. Spock, other people such as Warner Erhard and Rousseau, and listed most often were the individual's parents. I feel what influences us the strongest in our inner child, and its' struggle to help us grow to wholeness.
When I leave on a trip, I can leave any excess luggage behind. It's a fairly easy thing to disregard or include a friend's advice about a trip, or that extra sweater or golf club. It is not, however, so easy to disregard my own childhood when I am faced with the childhoods of my growing children. If I have not had my own needs met, I cannot provide them for my children. Their laughter reminds me of the smiles I never experienced. Their pain and frustrations bring back my own. Echoing in my ears are the endless moments of my own childhood. And not only am I influenced by the experiences I had as a child, and the people who modeled parenting for me; but, also, by the little girl I once was who still lives on within me. I have learned that when I can remember to stay in touch with the child in me, I can get closer to my own children. (Wheat, 1979: 11)
That "inner" child is what I can never leave behind like so much excess luggage. In nurturing her, is the freedom to become a mature adult. In neglecting her, are the chains keeping my own children from maturing.
In stretching for my own self-actualization, which Maslow defines as "the freedom for the fullest development of one's talents and capacities", I am reaching my hand back to my child and helping him or her to stretch toward theirs. (Maslow,1968:124) As I rewalk the journey of my past, I am helping my child become a better hurdler on her or his own journey.
QUESTIONS FOR THOUGHT AND DISCUSSION:
How would you define parenting?
What is your goal as a parent?
Who and/or what influenced you most in your methods of parenting?
How are you similar, or different from your same sex parent?
If you met your inner child today, how old would he or she be? What was his or her life like at that age?
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