Therefore, I think a new approach to parenting must come about. It is an approach in which we think of parenting as having three areas or spheres which constantly interact, interweave, and push us to become the capable human beings that we are hoping to teach our child to become. As we care for the child outside of us, we must also care for the child within us. These areas or spheres are: the physical needs of our child(ren), the psychological needs of our child(ren), and the needs of our inner child.
I've tried to evolve a physical representation of this three part process called ChildCaring; a picture that would remind us that as we are caring for our child, we are also caring for ourselves; a picture that represents the constant interplay of all three parts.
Look closely for a moment at this pattern created when someone juggles three objects:
The juggling of three balls represents as closely as possible the interconnectedness of the three parts. Once begun, there is always one ball in the air, and there is a moment when two are firmly held. There is also a moment, during each throw, when two balls are in the air together. The pattern cannot be done without all three balls, and so the dropping of one ball stops the other two from being used effectively. You can juggle one or two balls, but the process is repetitious, uninteresting and not at all challenging!
The excitement for me is in the juggling of all three aspects of parenting: giving each it's moment of glory, and each it's moment of rest. The challenge of today's parent is to learn to include all three spheres in our parenting. As a mother, my days as a parent often looks like the juggling pattern. Today, my children have physical needs such as a dentist or doctor visit which takes extra time and energy. Tomorrow their physical needs seem to be for their meals and sleep, but my son has had an argument with a friend and needs to talk about feelings and relationships. The next day, continuing the conversation, I remember the hurt of rejection that day when I was eight years old. The hurt I felt when someone I called my "best" friend rejected me for another. In the interaction with my son, I realize I can share the experience and the hurt with my son; but I cannot take his pain away. He needs me there to give him the space and opportunity to feel those feelings, and know he will still be okay. From the demand to bring our children up to become responsible, capable people comes the necessity of helping ourselves become capable people.
Let's take a closer look at each aspect of parenting. At this point, I need to acknowledge the
truth that to many families, the three aspects of parenting are perhaps more like true layers or a
hierarchy, more than juggling balls. To many people, parenting is indeed structured as this:
Third: needs of the inner child
Second: psychological needs of the child
First: physical needs of the child
I believe that even those who are struggling to meet the bottom layer, could be working on the top one.
Although I suspect these particular families would probably disagree with me. I think I'll leave that
for someone else's book, and start with the assumption that those reading this, and hoping to use
this material are parents able to meet the physical needs of themselves and their children at least
minimally. The fact that this is not true for all children is a very sad statement, and needs to be
more than just a topic for someone else's book. Indeed, it is a topic for social change.
But it's solutions are beyond the scope of this book.
A. The physical needs of the child
These needs are, at the very least; a nutritionally balanced diet, fresh water, a clean and safe home with a place to rest, and appropriate clothing for the environment at hand. A book such as WholeChild/Whole Parent by Polly Berrien Berends, your pediatrician, popular magazines, parenting skills classes, and other parents are great resources for learning what a child needs at different stages and ages. Technology has been incredible in terms of inventions such as disposable diapers, rocking swings, and much more. This area can be overwhelming for many new parents, sometimes resulting in the purchase of far too many things for their budget.
As a child matures, equipment and food demands become enmeshed with peers and their culture. A suggestion is to take the time when the children are young to decide what your boundaries and limits as a family are regarding these areas. In my own home, for example, the choice of clothing and playthings for my two pre-teens are mutually agreed upon. I have a ceiling on what I'm willing to spend, and the kind of things I'm willing to have my money spent on. If what they choose is outside those limits, it is their responsiblity to earn and or save for its' purchase.
Although many books give us the information we need to meet our children's physical needs, these books tend to be aimed at pregnant parents. It seems to be assumed that once you have a child and he or she gets past infancy, you can figure out what food to give them, how to find a dentist, what kind of bed they should sleep in, etc. From experience, I doubt this is true for too many parents. Again, as your child(ren) matures, other parents can be great resources for this information.
B. The psychological needs of the child
As we are providing for the physical needs of our children, we are trying to provide for their
psychological needs as well. What are these psychological needs? Let me list what I see as the most
important:
People such as Haim Ginott, Rudolf Dreikurs, and Virginia Satir help parents, through their writings, deal with children and themselves with respect and self-forgiveness.
C. The needs of the inner child
In every adult there lurks a child - an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, calls for increasing care, attention, and education. that is the part of the human personality which wants to develop and become whole. (Black, 1981:14)
To fully give ourselves and our children the opportunity to reach our full potential, we have the responsibility as well as the right to treat the child within us, our inner child, to advantages he or she never had in the past but can now have in the present.
In order for this to happen, a process known as recycling must occur. Recycling early developmental tasks means that people reexperience earlier developmental tasks in a more sophisticated form at a later age (Clark,1978:35) Adults often recycle their own early experiences as they watch their children go through each age and stage.
Our courage, as adults and parents, is to be willing to really look at our early experiences. Healing our wounds of the past is what will give our children the freedom to really stretch toward wholeness.
About four years ago, when my daughter was five years old, my children and I went on a trip alone to California. We were going to spend three weeks with my mother. In certain ways, I dreaded it. Being with my mother could be stressful, and my daughter was in a stage (one that had lasted three years so far) of perpetual temper tantrums. She was a child whose mother we always either felt sorry for or were angry at in the restaurant or supermarket when the child was making a horrible scene. After about a week and half of many tantrums a day, and lectures from my mother; it was as though a whole chamber of my heart and mind opened. I realized that I was treating my daughter in a way that was completely opposite to how my mother treated me. That translated to never saying no. I hurt and felt such pain as a little girl that I never wanted my daughter to experience it. I couldn't let her feel the agony. In being in relationship with my mother, my inner child cried once again. But the adult I was also realized that my daughter was not me: her childhood was being spent with two loving, non-abusive parents. She was not me. I was amazed. I sat down with her and explained that I was going to start saying no, and she was going to start being herself. I never knew if she understood; but her behavior changed overnight (as did mine!). Back in school after vacation, even her teacher wondered what had wrought such a change. My point? My willingness to let my inner child be angry and cry about the pain of my childhood gave my daughter the freedom to be herself and not her mother's chance to get another childhood.
As we mature, we make the transformation of having the outer child of childhood become the inner child of adulthood. In adulthood, the acceptance of our inner child only comes with having passed through our stages during childhood unwounded. But, through the healing of our wounds of the past comes the restoration of our relationship with our inner child.
Summary
My point is not to advocate any particular approach to fulfilling these three spheres of parenting. I believe there are many solutions to meeting a child's needs when a parent has his or her end goal in mind - the child's journey to wholeness.
Remember, that a goal is what we want to achieve as a result of one or more activities. An activity is what we do to accomplish a goal. Our goal as a parent is a child who has transformed his outer child to his inner child, and is free to stretch for Maslow's "self-actualization"; even though the activity or action we choose can have diversity amongst us. But a clarification here, is needed. It is important that our diverse actions must not attack the child's body, personality, or character. For if so, we are not meeting his needs; we are instead, creating wounds, and potholes in his or her journey of life.
QUESTIONS FOR THOUGHT AND DISCUSSION
Consider an episode you remember from your childhood when you made a decision to do or not do with your own child what your parent(s) was doing to you at that moment.
Did you follow through on that decision? Why or why not?
What bearing does your definition of you, as a person, have on the type of parent you are?
What is one that that stands out that you've learned about yourself as a result of being a parent?
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